City of Ashes

Clary thought of Magnus, and of him not telling Jace the truth: that Alec did not want Jace to know about his relationship with him, because he was still in love with him.  She thought of the satisfaction it would have brought Magnus to say the words out loud, to acknowledge what the truth was, and the fact that Magnus hadn't said them-had let Alec go on lying and pretending-because that was what Alec wanted, and Magnus cared about Alex enough to give him that.  Maybe is was true after all: Love made you a liar.

That's a wrap!

I reached my goal and said my peace, feel free to take the recipes you'd like and I'll be taking my blog down this Friday for good.

I get the feeling you'd rather pine over someone you can never possibly be with than try being with someone you can. City of Ashes excerpt.

My 2012 summed up in 10 videos, enjoy.

Please don't drink and drive

I'd miss you if you were dead or in prison, and you are far too sexy to go to jail!

Tears pouring down like rain

I just reconnected with my second cousin on Facebook, that's what I use it for; staying in touch with people that have truly touched my life and heart, and to find and be found by those I've lost touch with. This message I just received shattered my ice heart.

Spoiled rotten

Sam's Sunday indulgence: scrambled eggs and country bacon on top of homemade bread buttered toast. What're you having for breakfast?

Soup bowls

My house smells amazing!

Lids

Merry Christmas to me!

A Fine Frenzy

One of my favorite sayings is in this video, can you see it?  Don't blink or you'll miss it.

Early departure

Woot woot, I'm off at three today! Yes! Fundraiser tonight at TNT'S tonight so I'll need to get a nap in.

Snow

Finally snow in Tulsa! I wish I was home with my second Mortal Instruments book and a cocktail and a cat to cuddle and some popcorn with butter.

Feral habitat made by Sam?

I think I can do this, all I need to buy is a utility knife and hay and styrofoam, I have the xl totes and smaller totes. I will make two for the twin Tabbie's I have on my porch!

Tracy's mom

Here are the two handmade pillowcase sets Billie, Tracy's mom made me for Christmas. The soft feel of the decadent material is simply heavenly. I tried to zoom in on the white trim so you could see the tiny white hearts on the trim and the unique patterns interwoven into each piece of material. Heavenly and so incredibly thoughtful and generous.

My gift

Here's my beautiful, handmade keepsake box made by Tracy that I received for Christmas! Tracy's mom made me two unique sets of king size pillow cases made of cashmere or some other amazingly soft material and I'll post those pictures tonight. I am thankful and grateful and appreciate the time it took to make these beautiful and thoughtful gifts.

Ain't that funny

Dear Santa

I am pleased to report that my friends had amazing Christmas's with their respective families. I hope that this time next year I have a family of my own to bake for and to wrap presents for and to decorate for, yes Santa that is my Christmas wish! I am going to make a great wife and all my mad crazy kitchen skills will be put to good use. I'm excited to get back to work tomorrow and see all my friends and hear their stories of their Christmas mornings with their kids. I woke up and hit the gym then got all my chores done today and started reading the Mortal Instruments series and so far it's pretty great! I am positive 2013 will be my best year ever! I'll be 39 and my cats and I are doing pretty good for ourselves. I'm going to make all my dreams come true no matter how hard I have to work to make it happen. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

You got what I need

This Christmas has already given me my heart's desire; I would've never dared hope for the amazing gift of presence I've been given.  The feeling in my heart and soul is all sparklers and light and champagne bubbles, yeah that sums it up nicely.  I've always felt that the spirit of Christmas resided in me all year round, because not a lot gives me greater joy than giving from my heart and seeing the look on someones face when they open a gift or care package as I call them.  I read a book called the 5 Love Languages and if I understand it right the way I communicate my love is by Acts of Service however the way I feel loved is by, words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch in that order by my test scores. I think I enjoy volunteering so much because I feel I am doing something for my community and my fellow humankind, as it is my goal to make my little part of the world a better place than I found it.  At this time of year with all that has happened, and as we close the year I am grateful for all the challenges that have arisen that showed me I was capable of overcoming them, and the lesson I learned is that not all things are as difficult as they first appear, and just because someone isn't there everyday for me doesn't mean they aren't present in my life or desire in their heart to be there for me. and that is what is most important to me.

 

 

 

Dinner

I have mad baking skills!

Wet

Snow

I'm heading into the gym and it started snowing for the first time this season!

Early departure

Rumor around the office is we'll be going home around 11 on Christmas Eve since we only have one doctor in until 10:30 and then the rest of the day paid off! Another rumor I'm hearing, 22 inches of snow for Christmas! Sooo happy, can't even tell you. I'm heading to the grocery store for hooch and baking items and food items just in case!

Bright light

Mr. Darcy

Rio Linda Boulevard

What happened Friday was a nationwide travesty.  If you feel unaffected by what happened, teach me that trick because I spent the lion's share of my weekend in front of the t.v. watching CNN, ending in the service last night where President Obama and others spoke directly to the families and first responders; it was incredibly powerful and gut wrenching.  I worry about all the people involved but when things like this happen the first responders are usually at the forefront of my mind and the primary focus of my prayers because they will never, ever, be able to get those mental pictures out of their heads, and what makes it even more horrific is that these were essentially babies, that is on a whole other level of evil and horror.

I am a strong supporter of the second amendment, that having been said I've never hunted for anything that I needed a 50 bullet clip for, sorry folks.  There is a reason we refer to them as assault rifles, when was the last time you heard of a hunter being arrested for "assaulting" an animal he held a license to hunt?  NO you hear about people assaulting people, duh.  I just need ONE person to tell me what species of animal they would use these types of magazine clips on.  I read about an idea to resolve two challenges the U.S. is having, the high unemployment rate amongst vets and security on school campuses.  I say hire straight from the VFW, like crossing guards but with high powered rifles (discreetly carried) and lethal force training to monitor the campus until the very last teacher leaves at night; to protect our most valuable resource, our children.

Alright so I heard from my son's parents and they have been so busy lately, and that is the only reason I hadn't heard back from them and they sent a ton of pictures and brought me up to speed on Christopher and where he's attending college so I can stop worrying over that, thank goodness.  I couldn't appreciate his family more, they did such an amazing job raising him to be this incredible man


More later.

Been there, Done that, Got the tee-shirt

Calm the Storm

Sometimes, not often, I can be quite profound.  The other day, not so much.  I said "I wish I had a me in my love life".  It occurs to me that I always treated my exes far better than I ever treated myself.  Somehow I got it into my head that all that mattered was what they needed or wanted or desired or craved; and that those things for me were tertiary.  I didn't even rank second in my own life.  I put a large portion of my self worth on my current standing with my partner.  I would physically feel an exhilaration every time I provided a "service" for the person I was with, if I ran an errand, paid a bill, bought necessities if they were running short that week, or if I had a little token of my esteem delivered from Amazon to thier house waiting on the doorstep.  Spoiled rotten eventually by my care packages to the point of being told "You always go overboard", when I simply meant to express my love in my own love language which apparently is "acts of servitude" no shock there. 

I apparently went overboard on the sharing of my deep esteem when I was told "you don't always have to tell me how much you love me" with such a tone of disdain I literally felt slapped in the face; because I made the fatal mistake of treating someone EXACTLY how I wanted to be treated.  My sole thought was how can I make their quality of life significantly better?  I went to bed thinking of ways, I even had dreams about it!  I made it my lifes' mission to meet every need possible, even those not yet realized.  I got so caught up in my love and devotion to them that I lost myself completely, and most often than not that I was being taken for granted only because I ALLOWED it, when all I had to do was stop doing what felt good, stop being Samara.

Now I am wondering if it would be okay to be Samara; just with someone who wanted to be overwhelmed with love and affection and tokens and verbal reminders of that aforementioned affinity.  I now understand that because my life has been almost so completely devoid of love and acts of love, that I may tend to overcompensate for fear that the people I truly love won't realize the depth of my love for them.  The thought of that kills me, I want my loved ones to know that my love knows no bounds, there is no transgression or act or deed that could ever send me running to the hills, (well not for long at any rate), I'd always come back.

I swear my mom is fit throwing in Heaven, screaming "I did NOT raise you to be like this", well Mom, I will try to be stronger and less, heart on the sleevesy.

USO

Please click on this link USO, to help our service men and women at home and abroad, even if you cannot give please post this link on your blog or Facebook, or Twitter or Google + this blog.  The Christmas season for me isn't about family, because as we all know I don't have one, and I don't "borrow" families from my friends or coworkers, I just chill with a book I buy off Amazon, and enjoy my paid day off.  This season for me is about the freedoms I enjoy as a woman, and as a human being because I was lucky enough to be born on American soil.  Those of us that are lucky to be naturalized citizens, seem all too often to take our freedom for granted and sadly some people die never truly grasping the sacrifices made by life and limb of the men and women of our armed forces, both past and present. 

We cannot hide under the blanket of naivete, we know people are coming home in body bags, and on stretchers, and wheelchairs.  Our troops and their families are suffering needlessly.  I just wish we could all work together to show our support, respect and gratitude and love by helping our troops, even in it's smallest measure of passing on a link to the USO, or inviting a family of a service person over for dinner, or volunteering a day at your local VFW. 

I've always tried to be a better person than I was the day before, to leave the Earth a better place than I found it.  Even a grain of sand increases the depth of the ocean.  Be the change you want to see in the world, and always lead by positive example.

I tried

After much soul searching,
and MANY conversations
I've decided that my cats and I are going to stay in Oklahoma.
I've lost a dear friend in all of this all because I couldn't let go of this fantasy in my head.
If things don't work out like I hope, I'll have no one to blame but myself if I end up alone.

Wait

When things progress so fast it's hard to keep up
to get lost in the whirl of it
Swept away in a sea of hope
Praying the current will steer you towards less tumultuous waters
Where you can get your footing and stand unassisted
I feel tossed and tipped and I don't like it there
Never have
The fog cleared and I saw a familiar lighthouse
I felt the familiar tug from the undertow
a part of me just wanted to give up this fight and surrender to the depth

Patsy Cline

I loved you so much it almost killed me.

Spin this at the gym on your iPod

Just give this a listen and keep an open mind please.

Did you feel that

Waves crashing into me and the undertow casts me further into the sea and away from the haven of the beach; it's alright though; I'm ready. I'm stronger than I thought I was from treading water so long. I'm lost to you now; you couldn't reach me now even if you wanted to. It's ok, look; see? I'm ok.

Excellent question

Is true love hidden in the moments we can't stop remembering, or in those we chose to forget?

Can I get an amen?

iPod gym playlist this morning hmph

Twisted

It's been an amazing five days!  On Wednesday I made it to the theater to meet my friend for the Breaking Dawn marathon 11 a.m.-12 a.m. and it was, hands down the best movie to date and I will definitely be going to see it again while it's still in theaters.  I had to do some grocery shopping afterwards so that put me home around 1 a.m. Friday morning.  I made it to the TCC campus to take their placement tests and I scored 95 on one and 97 on the other thereby testing OUT of and remedial courses which allowed me to enroll in any course offered!  Who knew?  My theory is that when I did ACTUALLY attend classes, I must have retained more than I thought because the answers were just there in my brain, and I didn't even have to think about it.  Not going to lie, I was more than a little shocked.  I am now enrolled in three Spring 2013 classes for a total 10 credit hours, Medical Terminology online, Human Anatomy and Physiology class at the Metro Campus on Saturday from 8:30-2:20 and lastly Microsoft Office also on the Metro campus on Thursdays 5:30 p.m.-8:20 since I get off work at 4:30.  My goal is to have as many prerequisites done before my real classes start in the Fall of 2013, since the RHIT is by application approval only, but I will know around May when they start their application process if I made it into the program.  I've heard that based on the fact that I am working in this field already I may be able to get work credit, and that would be ideal.

No news from Christopher but I found out he went to Santa Cruz and visited the "Mystery Spot", and he had made comments on it being "trippy", which I found to be funny because that is SUCH a Ted thing to say, but there again it's also a typical Northern California teen saying, so who knows.  Anyway, as I've blogged before Ted and I spent more than our fair share of time NOT in school but hanging out in Santa Cruz, so in a weird way it's comforting to me to know where he is at, and what he likes to do, and that we share that place in common now also, and it would sure be neat to show him around and show him little known or traveled places there on the cliff faces Ted and I discovered together; even when I was pregnant with him. I hope Christopher stays FAR away from certain elements in that area (unlike Ted), but unless you travel in those circles already you aren't likely to run into any problems unless you go looking for them.  I don't know if Christopher just went to hang out, because Santa Cruz is a bit of a drive from Sacramento, or if he is going to college there, (like my cousin Aaron did) or if he is going somewhere else nearby; I sure would like to find out.

Inextricably Wednesday 11/23/2005 by Samara Sant

 Cannot forget, destinies intertwined eternally.

Souls altered and enraptured and endeared.

Invisible currents travelling through sinewy muscles,

Pulse quickening tempo

knowing a presence is present simply by sensing it in the vicinity

Like two threads became inextricably interwoven in a complex tapestry

no distinguishable end of one to the other now.

PAC

My volunteer activities are kicking into high gear with the holiday's quickly approaching. This weekend I worked for the play "November", and it was funny and chock full of poignant moments.  I am really looking forward to A Charlie Brown Christmas and A Christmas Carol, and then the Tulsa Ballet festivities kick off, but not before Christmas Train starts at Church on The Move, and I am excited to get dressed up in period clothing and have fun entertaining the guests with my Link friends this year.  Winterfest starts soon also and time seems to be flying by.

Alright now on to Twilight stuff, I leave work until 11 on Thursday, and then I'm going to meet my friend (who'll get there early to save me a seat on the top row center section) at the Broken Arrow Cinemark for the kickoff marathon that starts at noon and will wrap up around midnight, then we're going back to my place to catch some z's then we're getting up and heading to TCC where I'll take my reading and comp tests and head to breakfast after that, then chill at my place for the rest of Friday until the rest of our friends get off work, and then BACK to the theater to watch part 2 again.

This weekend is also my good friend Sharon's birthday and I am fairly confident that will mean going out to at least one adult beverage establishment.  I've decided to take piano lessons and at least one acting class through TCC as an elective because it'll make me happy and I am all about the self enrichment these days.  I've been studying for the test Friday and I am surprised with everything that stuck with me from high school, as I was taking this timed computer test for math, science, and geography; I was able to answer most of the questions correctly without thinking, I just relaxed and took a deep breath and cleared my mind and I did great.  I think that studying and my enthusiasm for learning that I've always had, although not ever applied really, will help me to not only succeed in school but really excel. 

Update on my Roku purchase, it is an awesome but evil device that I MUST not allow to take over my life.  Speaking of tech, my living room TV which I had convinced myself was possessed Friday, turned out to be a known Samsung issue of the manual volume button turning itself down.  I was able to Google the fix and one of my brilliant IT friends came over and performed surgery and the good news is that it'll live and I won't have to replace it, yay!  I've decided to buy a Samsung Chromebook for school this weekend after much research and a recommendation from my aforementioned IT friend, however I am hard pressed to find one available to purchase in stores or even online, but that isn't shocking given the $249.00 sticker price.

My office will be closed next Thursday and Friday so I'll be doing just a smidgen of Black Friday shopping but other than that it'll be R&R and probably more than a couple of good books.  Just like last year I am trying to decide if I should buy a tree or not.

I am beyond excited about school starting up in January, and I can hardly stand it.  I believe I will reach my potential after all.

Glimpse by Samara Sant

Unexpectedly the curtain is pulled aside for a brief moment I see my favorite upon the stage shining brighter than any heavenly body more beautiful than any Renoir, her eyes hold such promise for her future, and then just as suddenly the curtain falls back into place, but the glimpse of that smile sustains.

Storm

You were the last person that I ever wanted to see again. Ever. And you were the only person that I ever wanted to see again.

Daggers deep by Samara Sant

You never anticipate the cut from your true love, the dagger slid gently into my heart and pierced my soul and then you twisted the blade and I bled until I could bleed no more. It's the wound that will never heal, it was fatal.

RHIT

The desire to be the first in my family to get an education and the sense of pride I know I'll feel knowing my parents would be unbelievably proud of me is what is spurring me on.  I know the road is long, and it will oftentimes be difficult and I'll wonder if I can go on, but I know that I will persevere, because I am a Sant and that's what we do, we fight for our heart's desire and we never give up; because ultimately we know that absolutely nothing worth having comes easy.  TCC course I'll be taking for my Associate Degree, notice I have ZERO math to take!

Starbucks

People are here together, yet alone. They are sitting together but they're not present. The Internet connection instead of the human connection. Didn't you both come here to get out of the house, be around people? I'm perplexed by the "surrounded by people but still all alone" paradigm. Trippy. Is anyone ever present in the moment anymore? No wonder people seem so sad and alone, if only they'd look up from they're device they'd see they weren't really, they only perceived themselves to be. Or maybe I have it wrong and there is just a massive volume of homework done at your local Starbucks. Social anthropology is fascinating, and a part of me wonders if anyone else here is pondering the imponderable, going through some existential crisis. Or maybe it's just my imagination, running away with me or some other 70's song lyric.

Cold water and loose lids

I openly admit to being the biggest klutz this side of the Mississippi, but I am still surprised when I do something I could've easily avoided simply by paying full attention to the task at hand.  Last night I was on the phone before going to sleep and as usual I brought a full, ice cold bottle of water to bed with me and throughout the 58 minute conversation I would periodically sip from it, and then put the lid back on tightly "or so I thought", until the next thing I know I am absentmindedly playing with an empty water bottle because I'd dumped it's contents onto my coverlet.  Classic Sam.  Before my water catastrophe, I thought I'd save some time and make cake and brownies and a double batch of icing simultaneously after work yesterday, and WOW what a bad idea that was.  The brownies ended up with some cake ingredients and the cake some of the brownies, and well there is a HUGE difference between the two, okay?  The brownies were ruined, and the cake is well, edible at best.  So disgusted with myself over that one.

Next weekend I am volunteering at the PAC for their show "November" 11/10/12 and then in December: A Charlie Brown Christmas 12/08/12 and then A Christmas Carol 12/09/12, and in between all that I'll be volunteering for the Tulsa Ballet backstage assisting the dancers and staff or at the Gala, or various fundraising events.  Of course I will not be missing my Winterfest 2012 festivities or my annual trip to Muskogee for the Garden of Lights that kicks off Thanksgiving at dusk and closes at 10 every night until New Years Eve.  Last but not least Lights On at Utica Square also Thanksgiving at dusk and you'll need to go early for parking, that I will certainly not miss.  I am not a HUGE fan of the Christmas Parade, but we'll see.

I have a "meet for drinks" thing tonight that I think will be fun, and afterwards I'm meeting up with some girlfriends to bid a fond farewell to one of our favorite little bars that is closing their doors after tonight, so it promises to be pretty packed and people will be coming out that, like me, don't usually go out anymore.  Tomorrow I head to Muskogee to vote early (8 a.m.) and I couldn't be more excited, I have all my state questions cheat sheet so I don't forget once I close the curtain.

Champions

Not like you do

Pandora speak to me

Please find it in your heart

Mr. Darcy thanks you for your time and consideration!

President Obama debates and Big Bird

Since I live alone I am limited with whom I can have a healthy debate and there is a part of me that is sorry to report that fact.  Like many Americans who care to vote with as much information at their disposal as possible, I watched the debates in hopes of gleaning more from each candidate since we are only thirty days away (basically) from the election that could very well change the world as we know it.  What I saw didn't surprise me in the least.  I am not ashamed or embarrassed to admit because I live in a "red" state that I am a registered Democrat and have typically voted down party lines.  I will also admit that despite what I saw and what I am going to see in the upcoming debates, I was not going to be swayed regardless.  Alright I prefaced all that to say this, I still would've voted for President Obama based solely on that performance and here is why. 

Firstly I thought my President was a class act by not attacking Mitt Romney's obvious open wounds, i.e. comments he made on the video about the 47%, the outsourcing of jobs, and the flip flopping on issues, or his lack of an opinion, etc.  Only a bully kicks a man when he is down, and all national polls showed Mitt down for the count.  It would've been all to easy for the President to saunter in and throw down the gauntlet and ravage Mitt, but he didn't, he smiled and nodded and just "LISTENED", and took notes; he didn't engage or react or "lose it".  As always my President was cool, calm and collected and only became noticeable agitated a couple of times; now he is being widely criticized for his "professorial" demeanor; really?  I mean really?  This is the very same man everyone seemed to want to watch gut Mitt Romney,  who has his finger on the trigger of every nuclear weapon in our arsenal but we begrudge him his nonchalant attitude when faced with an inferior foe in a benign setting; well I should hope that would be the case as well as the norm!  You see what the President acknowledged was that there was nothing to get all worked up over and he was certainly NOT going to go off half cocked and start spouting off without first carefully considering his words, (unlike Mitt) he knows that a: there are fact checkers, and b: this President, hell, ANYWAY sitting President doesn't have the luxury of losing his temper and going on the defensive because a smart President knows if he mispeaks even once he could set the market into a free fall or make overseas investors nervous, when Mitt is talking he's just tilting at windmills.

Secondly folks, here's the thing; did you NOT notice all the effing notes President Obama was taking?!  Do you think he was just doodling or making his grocery list?  No!!!  Ask anyone who's a boxer or playing a pick up game down at the park court; first round you let your opponent lead, see where he's coming from, let him wind himself, let him give all he's got in his arsenal, and make all the stake holders and weak bellied guys quake in their boots, thinking their guys going to lose, or worse take a dive, you don't know our President if you think that's even CLOSE to his style my friend.  Don't you think Mitt was lulled just a tad into complacency?  You KNOW he walked in there armed and dangerous for a quick come back on all the topics EVERYONE has been trashing him on, but every minute that crept by without even a mention or hint that the President was going to get dirty, or throw Mitt's "most embarrasing campaign misteps" in his face, that he went on the attack, and that my dear readers, I think was the Presidents' hope.

Here's what I think happened when he left that night, he and his advisors got together and went point for point and that we will all see a VERY different man at the podium.  I believe he will mention everything Mitt feared he would in the first debate, and then some.  Mitt had is 15 minutes, and they're officially up.  The President smiled and humored you and let you have just enough rope to hang yourself and you walked right into it.

I am shocked and saddened that so many supporters of the President didn't catch on to the play fake, it was classic, it was elegant, it was timeless, it was President Barack Obama's signature style, plain and simple.  Relax and breathe and have a little faith, this was the first round and I for one give my President an A+.

P.S.
When the President jokes about Mitt's attack on Big Bird, I don't think people are getting the irony, he isn't saying "ha ha Mitt is dumb" he's saying "folks, when asked directly HOW Mitt would avoid raising taxes, his go to??? Cut funding to a program that utilizes .00012 percent of the Federal budget?  Yeah that's a winner".  I get why Mitt supporters are using that joke and leveraging it to the hilt, because you can't bank on your guy.

That's my two cents for what it's worth.

Finally

Apartment is perfect now! I'm ready to hibernate, oh dear.

My book obsession

Angelfall (click here to go to Amazon to learn more)

Fallen series (click here to go to Amazon to learn more)

I started reading book 1 of 4 on Friday afternoon and I am now on book three, and am FORCING myself to read ever so slowly and truly savor every word because all to soon I'll be done with the series and the adventure will end, then it's on to the next!  If any of my readers have any suggestion of good books such as the aforementioned titles please send me a message or post a comment below.  TBBT start a new season Thursday, woot woot, and my player on BB, Ian won the big prize so all in all no complaints.

Cream cheese frosting

Homemade sugar cookies with homemade cream cheese frosting!

Pintrest

Exhausting huh?

Brownies and chocolate cream cheese frosting