Covid-19 personal voyage

I successfully avoided Covid for a full year, but I guess my luck ran out.  In my spare time I will go with various law enforcement departments on their 10 hour shifts as an observer, watching them go about their daily tasks, usually only night and overnight shifts, and briefings.  So, I am thinking it was New Years Eve 1700-0300 shift or this past Saturday night's 1700-0300 shift where we were in Lincoln to arrest someone and transport them to the Detention Center in Helena, and it was 8 degrees out, and I was outside the car for a period of time; that I started to feel ill.  By the time I got home at 0300 Sunday morning, I had all but lost my voice, and what was left was a food processor grounded sounding voice at that.  It almost immediately settled deep in my lungs, and set my throat on fire, moving quickly, took my sense of taste and smell, otherwise no other symptoms.  As quickly as I fell ill, I was worried it was going to take me fast like it has so many others.  I scrambled to put my affairs in order.  Called my best friend in South Carolina, Angie, to tell her that unfortunately; I hadn't gotten to the hospital where my chart and living will were scanned in when I was married, naming my ex husband Shawn Pennartz as my emergency contact and executor over my estate.  She'd need to contact him and make sure he and his new wife were ok with Angie taking over my medical decisions and let her have say over my advanced directives, life extending decisions and if it came down to it, my body and belongings if I didn’t survive it.

I want to be cremated, and ashes spread over my dad's grave and the rest in the ocean off the Oregon Coast, or off Rialto Beach in Washington State, or Victoria, British Columbia ocean, where I remember experiencing such a peace and joy, it changed me.  Just so this is captured somewhere.  I know that regardless of when I pass now or at ninety, I don't want a grave, or a funeral.  My nana used to say, "if they didn't care to come or call or send flowers when you were alive and sick, why would they care to come be seen grieving you'?  Plus, I don't understand burying people.  Never have.

The deep cough, and fatigue, that threatens to pull you down deep into its recesses, is unreal.  Even now, as I try to capture this moment on my blog that is more like an ongoing diary, I am battling through, I am wiped the fuck out.  I care that the group I started one day on my lunch hour because of a conversation I had with a man I love and trust and respect beyond words, 406 Back the Blue the movement in Montana that has grown exponentially, continues and that the law enforcement community continue to feel loved, respected, and cherished, and that my life was meant to be lived in service to them and their support staff and families.  I do what I can, when and where I can, it just never feels sufficient.  There's a memorial in Three Forks, Montana created for a man who died at 23 in service to his community, and a part of my soul will always be gazing up at that patrol car, with its lights ever shining.  Too many bricks with names beneath it of great men and women, heroes all.  I lived in awe of you all.

I can honestly say I am ready and am good to go, my parents raised me to believe this life is only the voyage, not the destination, and I am excited to see my parents and family again if its my time.  I have lived longer than my dad (31) and almost as long as my mom (51) so definitely somewhere in the middle.  I have lived so many lives, met so many incredible people, had so many amazing experiences, and yes made mistakes, but learned from each one, if I had to do it over again, there are things I'd do differently, but then I wouldn't be who I am today.

I loved without limits, I trusted completely, I gave without restrain, I laughed until it hurt, and since my divorce have blossomed into a woman I am proud to be, that my parents would be proud of.

I hope the people I've loved, know that I loved them beyond measure, and if possible, will make sure you know I am still around; even if you can't see me.  My mom and I promised each other we'd do that.

I did my best, and I was the best person I could be as often as I could, often getting in my own way.  I was never perfect, not even close, always striving to be a good human, to forgive and ask for forgiveness.  I tried to be in your life, to love you, to be who you needed me to be.  I hope I showed up for you when you needed me.

Getting too tired, thoughts tumbling around my mind like gym shoes in a dryer.  I'll leave you with this tune.

UPDATE 21 days past first symptoms presented and finally out of quarantine.  I survived, felt like it was touch and go there for a minute.  Wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  Stay healthy!