Actual

real

I don't even want to want anyone but you.

Wrongness..by Samara

Only so much time can pass before every fibre of my being aches for your presence in my home,
in my arms, in my bed.
I cannot focus, I cannot feel the contentment I deserve to feel because you're absent
I exile you from my realm because I cannot bare
the thought of sharing you with her
I want you so much, as much as I want to inhale and exhale day in and day out.
I can't settle for less than the place I believe
I belong in your life and you know where that is
it's what you're capable of providing but you can't now because of your love for her. 
You made your choice and you can't expect me to keep accepting her leftovers
when she's out of town, or being difficult, you wanna call me then,
you wanna text me then too huh 
You're done taking me for granted, trusting and having faith that I will always love you no matter what you say or do, you're right I will.
But you don't get to be around to enjoy it;
that much I have control over.
I can love you and be in love with you
but not give it to you
not express it like I need to
you don't get to enjoy it
to feel that feeling you get when we're going to see each other
or the joy you get from my gestures of love and affection
ah yes my affection
you do enjoy my affections on occasion
you like the kinks in the rope
the inhibition
you can't have it anymore
you can't have me anymore
you can't have my love anymore
no matter that I am overflowing with the abundance of it for you
good thing you don't need or want it anymore huh?

Spectacular collapse of famous arch caught on camera

This story actually made me sad.  I love this beach and spent many hours just watching the waves and this arch and it's similar sister in Big Sur I always found quite beautiful.  Dislike button, nothing lasts forever.





Spectacular collapse of famous arch caught on camera

Glitch temporary

When you commit to making a change in your life it is not unusual to slip into old habits, you get weak for a second and slip up but just get right back up and dust yourself off and promise yourself you will be stronger tomorrow and you won't let yourself down again. No permanent damage done Samara, tomorrow is another day.

Hot water

Heating element out on my water heater, no hot bath to help my back. Maintenance is draining my water tank now, ugh! I just wanted dinner, a cocktail and a bath.

Good gracious!

I had no idea purchasing a home would be so complicated and technical and math driven!  lol Ok maybe I had an IDEA it would be but jeepers!  So apparently based on my research it seems smarter to buy a new home in a new division and build your dream home from their options of cookie cutter homes than to buy an older home.  I have a pretty clear vision on what I want and which builder I will be going through, and the floor plan I think would best suit my needs.  Single story home with two bedrooms and two baths but I will most likely end up purchasing a three bedroom two or 2.5 bath.  I'd like a kitchen with an island that overlooks the living room but not a place for bar stools I don't think and perhaps a gas fireplace.  I've been looking at one floor plan that has his and hers walk in closets one in the master bath and one in the master bedroom and that idea really appeals to me.  I'm thinking I could use one for holiday decorations and storage and one for my actual clothes because I am NOT putting my things in the garage for spiders to nest in, no thank you!  What I wonder is who builds the backyard fence?  Do I hire a company or does the construction company that is building my home do it for an extra fee?

I realize this may cost me a bit more than I am throwing away in rent right now, but it will be worth it.  I loathe coming home with groceries and cases of bottled water and having to park far away from my apartment and haul it in because my neighbors have company over and there is no designated parking, or they have company over and their company throws the cigarette butts all over the property, or that I can hear everything my neighbors are doing in their apartments because the walls are so thin, or that I often worry that one of my smoker neighbors will fall asleep with a lit smoke and the whole place will go up in smoke while I'm at work and no one will get my cats out in time.  Ok the last one might be a bit dramatic but it is a valid albeit far fetched concern.  I have a standard of living that clearly my neighbors do not, and with a HOA in these new neighborhoods undesirable behavior or property upkeep is frowned upon and yes I am sorry folks, that makes me happy.

So hopeful

I'm feeling so much better and yet again I called upon my own inner strength and found I wasn't lacking. I'm looking forward to my work week.

Unreasonable request