Calm the Storm

Sometimes, not often, I can be quite profound.  The other day, not so much.  I said "I wish I had a me in my love life".  It occurs to me that I always treated my exes far better than I ever treated myself.  Somehow I got it into my head that all that mattered was what they needed or wanted or desired or craved; and that those things for me were tertiary.  I didn't even rank second in my own life.  I put a large portion of my self worth on my current standing with my partner.  I would physically feel an exhilaration every time I provided a "service" for the person I was with, if I ran an errand, paid a bill, bought necessities if they were running short that week, or if I had a little token of my esteem delivered from Amazon to thier house waiting on the doorstep.  Spoiled rotten eventually by my care packages to the point of being told "You always go overboard", when I simply meant to express my love in my own love language which apparently is "acts of servitude" no shock there. 

I apparently went overboard on the sharing of my deep esteem when I was told "you don't always have to tell me how much you love me" with such a tone of disdain I literally felt slapped in the face; because I made the fatal mistake of treating someone EXACTLY how I wanted to be treated.  My sole thought was how can I make their quality of life significantly better?  I went to bed thinking of ways, I even had dreams about it!  I made it my lifes' mission to meet every need possible, even those not yet realized.  I got so caught up in my love and devotion to them that I lost myself completely, and most often than not that I was being taken for granted only because I ALLOWED it, when all I had to do was stop doing what felt good, stop being Samara.

Now I am wondering if it would be okay to be Samara; just with someone who wanted to be overwhelmed with love and affection and tokens and verbal reminders of that aforementioned affinity.  I now understand that because my life has been almost so completely devoid of love and acts of love, that I may tend to overcompensate for fear that the people I truly love won't realize the depth of my love for them.  The thought of that kills me, I want my loved ones to know that my love knows no bounds, there is no transgression or act or deed that could ever send me running to the hills, (well not for long at any rate), I'd always come back.

I swear my mom is fit throwing in Heaven, screaming "I did NOT raise you to be like this", well Mom, I will try to be stronger and less, heart on the sleevesy.