Bed Heaven

Did I mention I LOVE my new bed?  I woke up at 6 this morning, for those of you unaware of my sleeping patterns, this is a HUGE deal.  I no longer want to jump out of bed, but rather sleep in another 10 or 30 minutes.  My back hasn't felt this good in decades. 

So I had a dream about my ex last night, from like 2001 and it wasn't a bad dream but I am not sure where it came from, in that we haven't run into each other out at the club in a few months, and then years before that so it was odd.  Our break-up was pretty ugly, my mom was about to die and then did indeed pass and GZ spoke to my mom before she past and had a long phone conversation with her, and then would never tell me what she said, even until this very day I have NO idea what my mom said in her last days to GZ, why would you keep that from someones kid, their mom's dying thoughts?  Anyway when I saw my ex out that anger from back then just sprang to the surface, because you have something I want and you are the only person who can give me this amazing gift, and you just won't because you're being a total dick a decade later, what did I ever do to you to deserve that?! 

Whatever, anyway I had this dream that I was walking in our old neighborhood and ran into GZ and we exchanged pleasantries and it was nice, like in the old days when it was just the two of us, and we were a pretty fantastic team.  I think GZ is someone I hurt more so than some other people I've dated when I was MUCH younger and a total idiot, and that's being generous.  I think they're are more than a few people I owe an apology; not that they'd stand still long enough to hear it, that's how much damage I caused back in my selfish, self-centered days, when I thought it was all about me, in the here and now and didn't think about other people and how my actions would affect them.  Yeah I was a real treat.

Some people say they have no regrets, I have many.  I wish I could go back and take back what I said and did that I know seriously changed the landscape of some of my exes hearts; I caused that crater size crack, I almost singlehandedly built that metaphorical wall they have built around their heart because of damage I caused when our hearts were still young and vulnerable.  I remember looking into their eyes and knowing, this pain is a different pain and you have to own that, and shame on you for doing this.  At the time I didn't care, not like I do now; now I'm all heart and no malice and I choose to leave myself vulnerable because I know that in partiality I deserve any potential pain because of what I wrought in others who didn't deserve what I did to them, but I can't go back and undo what I did anymore than they wish they'd never fallen in love with me.

Who among us is perfect though?  Who can say they navigated the waters of their twenties and didn't cause a single wake?  Not many I venture to say.  For what it's worth I have a hearts worth of remorse that I will carry always.  I honor the memory of what could have been by not being who I was back then ever again.

Love is precious and life is fleeting; handle with care.

Christopher, Heather looks lovely and sweet and I hope she makes you happy.  I hope you're enjoying Santa Cruz, Ted and I spent a great deal of time there growing up and also when I was pregnant with you so it's cool to think of you there.  I wish we could talk and that I could see you and maybe take you to some places we found there while scaling the cliff faces.  I love you and there isn't a hour that goes by that I don't think about you, not one.