Rio Linda Boulevard

What happened Friday was a nationwide travesty.  If you feel unaffected by what happened, teach me that trick because I spent the lion's share of my weekend in front of the t.v. watching CNN, ending in the service last night where President Obama and others spoke directly to the families and first responders; it was incredibly powerful and gut wrenching.  I worry about all the people involved but when things like this happen the first responders are usually at the forefront of my mind and the primary focus of my prayers because they will never, ever, be able to get those mental pictures out of their heads, and what makes it even more horrific is that these were essentially babies, that is on a whole other level of evil and horror.

I am a strong supporter of the second amendment, that having been said I've never hunted for anything that I needed a 50 bullet clip for, sorry folks.  There is a reason we refer to them as assault rifles, when was the last time you heard of a hunter being arrested for "assaulting" an animal he held a license to hunt?  NO you hear about people assaulting people, duh.  I just need ONE person to tell me what species of animal they would use these types of magazine clips on.  I read about an idea to resolve two challenges the U.S. is having, the high unemployment rate amongst vets and security on school campuses.  I say hire straight from the VFW, like crossing guards but with high powered rifles (discreetly carried) and lethal force training to monitor the campus until the very last teacher leaves at night; to protect our most valuable resource, our children.

Alright so I heard from my son's parents and they have been so busy lately, and that is the only reason I hadn't heard back from them and they sent a ton of pictures and brought me up to speed on Christopher and where he's attending college so I can stop worrying over that, thank goodness.  I couldn't appreciate his family more, they did such an amazing job raising him to be this incredible man


More later.

Been there, Done that, Got the tee-shirt

Calm the Storm

Sometimes, not often, I can be quite profound.  The other day, not so much.  I said "I wish I had a me in my love life".  It occurs to me that I always treated my exes far better than I ever treated myself.  Somehow I got it into my head that all that mattered was what they needed or wanted or desired or craved; and that those things for me were tertiary.  I didn't even rank second in my own life.  I put a large portion of my self worth on my current standing with my partner.  I would physically feel an exhilaration every time I provided a "service" for the person I was with, if I ran an errand, paid a bill, bought necessities if they were running short that week, or if I had a little token of my esteem delivered from Amazon to thier house waiting on the doorstep.  Spoiled rotten eventually by my care packages to the point of being told "You always go overboard", when I simply meant to express my love in my own love language which apparently is "acts of servitude" no shock there. 

I apparently went overboard on the sharing of my deep esteem when I was told "you don't always have to tell me how much you love me" with such a tone of disdain I literally felt slapped in the face; because I made the fatal mistake of treating someone EXACTLY how I wanted to be treated.  My sole thought was how can I make their quality of life significantly better?  I went to bed thinking of ways, I even had dreams about it!  I made it my lifes' mission to meet every need possible, even those not yet realized.  I got so caught up in my love and devotion to them that I lost myself completely, and most often than not that I was being taken for granted only because I ALLOWED it, when all I had to do was stop doing what felt good, stop being Samara.

Now I am wondering if it would be okay to be Samara; just with someone who wanted to be overwhelmed with love and affection and tokens and verbal reminders of that aforementioned affinity.  I now understand that because my life has been almost so completely devoid of love and acts of love, that I may tend to overcompensate for fear that the people I truly love won't realize the depth of my love for them.  The thought of that kills me, I want my loved ones to know that my love knows no bounds, there is no transgression or act or deed that could ever send me running to the hills, (well not for long at any rate), I'd always come back.

I swear my mom is fit throwing in Heaven, screaming "I did NOT raise you to be like this", well Mom, I will try to be stronger and less, heart on the sleevesy.

USO

Please click on this link USO, to help our service men and women at home and abroad, even if you cannot give please post this link on your blog or Facebook, or Twitter or Google + this blog.  The Christmas season for me isn't about family, because as we all know I don't have one, and I don't "borrow" families from my friends or coworkers, I just chill with a book I buy off Amazon, and enjoy my paid day off.  This season for me is about the freedoms I enjoy as a woman, and as a human being because I was lucky enough to be born on American soil.  Those of us that are lucky to be naturalized citizens, seem all too often to take our freedom for granted and sadly some people die never truly grasping the sacrifices made by life and limb of the men and women of our armed forces, both past and present. 

We cannot hide under the blanket of naivete, we know people are coming home in body bags, and on stretchers, and wheelchairs.  Our troops and their families are suffering needlessly.  I just wish we could all work together to show our support, respect and gratitude and love by helping our troops, even in it's smallest measure of passing on a link to the USO, or inviting a family of a service person over for dinner, or volunteering a day at your local VFW. 

I've always tried to be a better person than I was the day before, to leave the Earth a better place than I found it.  Even a grain of sand increases the depth of the ocean.  Be the change you want to see in the world, and always lead by positive example.

I tried

After much soul searching,
and MANY conversations
I've decided that my cats and I are going to stay in Oklahoma.
I've lost a dear friend in all of this all because I couldn't let go of this fantasy in my head.
If things don't work out like I hope, I'll have no one to blame but myself if I end up alone.

Wait

When things progress so fast it's hard to keep up
to get lost in the whirl of it
Swept away in a sea of hope
Praying the current will steer you towards less tumultuous waters
Where you can get your footing and stand unassisted
I feel tossed and tipped and I don't like it there
Never have
The fog cleared and I saw a familiar lighthouse
I felt the familiar tug from the undertow
a part of me just wanted to give up this fight and surrender to the depth

Patsy Cline

I loved you so much it almost killed me.