Day 5 of 365

In Montana when you look at a sunbeam outside through your office window the frost looks like tiny flecks of a star.  So relaxing actually, hypnotic. Also, I just want to mention something I was thinking about, smells that make people happy.  In the top ten is for sure, toast.  What's yours?  I am absolutely obsessed with fresh garlic as well as baked yellow onion with olive oil, and a pinch of course salt and pepper and of course fresh garlic and then baked until ALMOST spreadable, just thinking about it makes my mouth water.  So I was headed to the store before work, and since last February I lost touch with a dear friend who is also my neighbor just one house away but around the corner.  So today as I was turning said corner, something in my heart said, to go right and go see TW, and so I followed that feeling instead of ignoring it.  As I walked up to the door she had it open and ready to hug me before I even got to the porch, and I was blessed to get two more hugs before I left!  What was I waiting for?  Her to come see me?  So much time wasted, but I can't look back, only forward.  I just hate to lose touch with people who come to mean so much. 


My job isn't easy, and I try to leave it there, I do; but sometimes I can't or don't and I think about how if I had a child, I would love it and never, ever let any harm I could control happen to it.  Certainly not by my hand or that of someone I put in their realm you know?  So many people are blessed to have a passel of children, and I just look to Heaven and ask the Lord for just one.  One I can carry to term, one born healthy and where we can watch her or him grow up healthy and happy and live a long life as a family.


I don't believe God is punishing me, although I certainly would deserve it after the poor choices I made in my past when I thought I should follow my heart, when really it was a chance to make the right choice and I didn't.  Live and learn.  But now I wonder if I wasted my best fertile years with someone who couldn't have cared less and so now my large, beautiful (almost paid off) home will remain silent and still and organized and clean, and company ready forever.


Dust motes won't be disturbed by a diaperless baby running down the hall with Shawn and I running after it with a diaper and jammies, while we laugh hysterically at the sight of familial chaos.


Don't take one moment for granted dear reader, if you are lucky enough to have children or family, you'll miss them when their gone when your friends become your family because everyone in your family has passed on.


I don't want my arms to be empty forever.