Thanksgiving

 

Temporary like me

 “Temporary, Like Me”

They handed her to me wrapped in red tape,

A bundle of trauma with no real escape.

“Love her like yours,” they said with a smile,

“But don’t ask too much—just stay for a while.”

I held her through screaming, through silence, through fear,

Asked questions they didn’t want anyone near.

“What happened before?” “Why won’t she eat?”

“Why does she flinch?” “Why can’t she sleep?”

They tell me to care but not care too loud,

To be there, but quiet, obedient, proud.

I ask for a doctor, a second set of eyes,

They meet me with silence or sugar-wrapped lies.

I’m told I’m too much when I won’t play along,

That fighting for answers is somehow just wrong.

I speak up for her, but I’m labeled a threat,

A problem, a burden, too easy to forget.

“You’re just a bed,” they say without saying,

“Just keep her safe, keep feeding, keep praying.

But don’t get involved, don’t cross that line—

She’s not really yours, and she’s not really mine.”

And maybe they’re right—maybe I’m too raw,

Too hopeful for justice, too struck by the flaw.

Because love in this system is measured in weeks,

And those who fight hardest are silenced as freaks.

So after this child, when she finds her way,

I’ll fold up the crib and walk away.

Not because I stopped loving or care too small—

But because I was never meant to care at all.

I was meant to be silent, to play the good part,

But I showed up with questions—and too much heart.

The rains never cease

 OK>MT>CA

May 27th 2022, I moved to Chowchilla, CA. bought my 24 x 8 foot travel trailer, moved to Santa Nella, CA, and commuted to Sunnyvale which was 182 miles per day over a mountain, not sustainable in the, "unprecedented" storms we started to have.  I moved to Gilroy, CA, commute was down to 82 miles a day, more storms and substantial flooding, see YouTube Gilroy floods.  I moved to Lupin Lodge in the Santa Cruz mountains in Los Gatos commutes is now 42 miles a day.  Here's the challenge:  In the last 21 days since I moved my travel trailer here, the three roads I had off this mountain are now down to two thanks to complete road failures on Old Santa Cruz Highways and Aldercroft Heights Road, and the road we are left with, Alma Bridge Road is down to one lane in one section due to a partial failure.  Good times.  See my YouTube for video.  More storms on tap for the next two days, so here's hoping no more roads fail.

Detailing complete, upgrades next!

Had her washed and waxed rooftop to tires; detailed inside and out, and rust/paint sanding/painting.  Having it repainted inside and out, floors put in, backsplash new awning comes next week, counter tops updated.  Wait until you see.

I bought my tiny home!

I bought my rv yesterday!  Cash, no payments!  I move 1/13/23 to either Arcata or Clearlake.  If it’s Clearlake, I am buying a boat!  There’s a slip next to where my rv will be parked, so my boat will always be at the ready, no unloading hassle.  I love the thought of going out on the water before work, after work and on the weekends.  With nothing but a thermos full of hot chocolate, a throw, and a book, yes please!

https://youtube.com/shorts/Meh4UYSqaqY?feature=share

https://youtube.com/shorts/cS_ZAtUCGqo?feature=share

Chowchilla here I come!

Closed on Sunday, and leave on the 27th for a 16 hour drive to the new place.  I am going to miss Montana immensely.  I came, I saw, I hopefully made a positive change in the law enforcement support climate.  I've already reached out to Fresno Police Department and hope to make inroads in the support shown to LEO's in California.  I am excited to be in the same state with my son, and growing ever closer to my sister and friends.  

I will do my best to keep this updated.  

Wanting

That feeling when you know they're coming over just to say hi; because you're "friends" now. Your body starts to hum, butterflies in your stomach. Heart starts to race. The familiar car pulls up and you stop yourself from running outside and up to them and wrapping your arms around them standing on your tip toes cause their so damn tall. You don't want to let them go, so warm, so safe. When you're so close and your body aches to reach out and touch them, consequences be damned. Every word you say has a double meaning in your head. Their familiar smell, is as intoxicating as the first time, more so in fact because you know you can't. Playing with fire, you always get burned, scarred. Their too close but too far away, and it's killing you. But the good kind of pain. They haven't touched you and your hot and oh so wet. Ready. Beyond ready. In your mind your straddling them on the couch and kissing them softly at first, tentatively, to see if they want it as bad as you, and then you delve deeper, kissing like they're water and your parched. You feel the heat rolling off them in waves, and you want to delve into it, like a pool on a warm summer's night. Wrap yourself in it. You check out that amazing ass praying you don't get caught drooling over it. Then they stand and stretch and you see that tight stomach, and sigh. Then they do the unexpected and touch you, and you crave more, need more, want more. They have to know the effect they're having on your core, that heat is pooling in places only they know. It's exhilarating and frustrating and sensual, that space between you is all that's keeping you in your seat, keeping them safe from your lecherous designs. As hard as this is; you revel in the restraint, knowing if you breach the trust of friends you'll never get to suffer this erotic hell again. When your time together ends, your panting with desire, your throbbing, your skins hot, face flush with desire. Wanting, needing, desire. God what sweet Hell is this?