Wanting

That feeling when you know they're coming over just to say hi; because you're "friends" now. Your body starts to hum, butterflies in your stomach. Heart starts to race. The familiar car pulls up and you stop yourself from running outside and up to them and wrapping your arms around them standing on your tip toes cause their so damn tall. You don't want to let them go, so warm, so safe. When you're so close and your body aches to reach out and touch them, consequences be damned. Every word you say has a double meaning in your head. Their familiar smell, is as intoxicating as the first time, more so in fact because you know you can't. Playing with fire, you always get burned, scarred. Their too close but too far away, and it's killing you. But the good kind of pain. They haven't touched you and your hot and oh so wet. Ready. Beyond ready. In your mind your straddling them on the couch and kissing them softly at first, tentatively, to see if they want it as bad as you, and then you delve deeper, kissing like they're water and your parched. You feel the heat rolling off them in waves, and you want to delve into it, like a pool on a warm summer's night. Wrap yourself in it. You check out that amazing ass praying you don't get caught drooling over it. Then they stand and stretch and you see that tight stomach, and sigh. Then they do the unexpected and touch you, and you crave more, need more, want more. They have to know the effect they're having on your core, that heat is pooling in places only they know. It's exhilarating and frustrating and sensual, that space between you is all that's keeping you in your seat, keeping them safe from your lecherous designs. As hard as this is; you revel in the restraint, knowing if you breach the trust of friends you'll never get to suffer this erotic hell again. When your time together ends, your panting with desire, your throbbing, your skins hot, face flush with desire. Wanting, needing, desire. God what sweet Hell is this?

Adventures in food and rally's.

As the Founder of the 406 Back the Blue movement, I committed to traveling to every Montana Law Enforcement Office from Probation and Parole to U.S. Marshall's to meet and bring treats, yard signs, and bumper stickers.  In my travels, I have come across some great places to eat, and be sure to look out for where they hang my 406 Back the Blue signs in their establishments to show their support for LEO'S, and I wanted to make a diary entry about it.  

My Helena loves are Nagoya, teriyaki chicken, fried rice and vegetables, Panda Express spring rolls, chicken egg rolls, fried rice, and yes, teriyaki chicken.  The Big Dipper milkshake which contains, chocolate ice cream, salted caramel ice cream, and a dash of their salted caramel sauce.  On Broadway, spinach angel air pasta, filet mignon, garlic mashed potatoes.  Lakeside fried ravioli and salad with Austin's famous balsamic vinaigrette.  

 

Missoula, The Notorious P.I.G. BBQ, get the half chicken, and gouda mac and cheese, and the burnt ends!

Anaconda, O'Bella, I suggest the garlic pizza, with extra garlic, with garlic cream sauce and get their salad wedge, go to the JFK bar and give "part-time bartender, full time Detention Officer", Jeff Miller my dear friend.

Sweet baby Jesus, Red Lodge Carbon County Steakhouse order the tenderloin and savor their bread and butter!  We went to Cafe Regis, and Red Lodge Pizza Co.  Skip them.

Elliston, Spotted Dog Saloon, visit their annual chili cook-off, oh my gosh, I must've had 10 different animal chili's, I was stuffed, Thanksgiving type of full.

Roundup, Busy Bee Cafe you cannot go wrong with a classic bacon and egg breakfast.

East Helena, Blackjack Burger Company poutine and their sliders, to die for!

Polson, where to start?  4B's ham steak and classic bacon and egg breakfast.  The Shoe appetizer, hog wings (dry) with a simple salt, garlic and pepper seasoning, entrée, filet mignon, or chicken picatta, eat out on their leucite patio overlooking the lake.  Flathead Lake Cheese right by our lakefront hotel, slept with our door open all night, our patio overlooked the lake, #Heaven here's what we bought, Ray's Pop Curds, garlic flavored of course, Buckshot gouda, if you like some heat, wisp o' smoke doorstop gouda, Galiki Gouda, is of course my favorite, roasted garlic chunks, yum!

Seeley Lake, no better place than Pop's Place for a homecooked meal, great folks.

Clancy, Chubby's Bar & Grill get the deep fried porkchop (not on a sandwich) and baked potato, delicious!

Boulder, one of my three gun range's (High Ore) is out here, and I always stop at Windsor Bar and get their steak, amazing!

That's just my noteworthy list, lots more to come, and hey don't forget, when in Montana keep your eye out for my "visual thank you" yard signs, bumper stickers, hay bale drapes, "between Helena and Townsend you can see it from the highway", a farmer asked if he could use my logo to make a massive banner to put in his pasture just by that bar, on his massive hay bales, I love driving by and seeing that tribute to LEO'S!  If you're headed home from Great Falls, to Helena, as you're getting on the onramp look at the house/business just in front of you, and don't miss the 406 Back the Blue sign in the window, it's like "Where's Waldo" for the 13k members in my group, eye spy, lol.  

Coming to a LEO facility near you!  If you get pulled over anywhere in Montana, by any agency, look to see if they have a ride along (me) and wave, because we're allowed to do them again, finally!

Happy eats!

Covid-19 personal voyage

I successfully avoided Covid for a full year, but I guess my luck ran out.  In my spare time I will go with various law enforcement departments on their 10 hour shifts as an observer, watching them go about their daily tasks, usually only night and overnight shifts, and briefings.  So, I am thinking it was New Years Eve 1700-0300 shift or this past Saturday night's 1700-0300 shift where we were in Lincoln to arrest someone and transport them to the Detention Center in Helena, and it was 8 degrees out, and I was outside the car for a period of time; that I started to feel ill.  By the time I got home at 0300 Sunday morning, I had all but lost my voice, and what was left was a food processor grounded sounding voice at that.  It almost immediately settled deep in my lungs, and set my throat on fire, moving quickly, took my sense of taste and smell, otherwise no other symptoms.  As quickly as I fell ill, I was worried it was going to take me fast like it has so many others.  I scrambled to put my affairs in order.  Called my best friend in South Carolina, Angie, to tell her that unfortunately; I hadn't gotten to the hospital where my chart and living will were scanned in when I was married, naming my ex husband Shawn Pennartz as my emergency contact and executor over my estate.  She'd need to contact him and make sure he and his new wife were ok with Angie taking over my medical decisions and let her have say over my advanced directives, life extending decisions and if it came down to it, my body and belongings if I didn’t survive it.

I want to be cremated, and ashes spread over my dad's grave and the rest in the ocean off the Oregon Coast, or off Rialto Beach in Washington State, or Victoria, British Columbia ocean, where I remember experiencing such a peace and joy, it changed me.  Just so this is captured somewhere.  I know that regardless of when I pass now or at ninety, I don't want a grave, or a funeral.  My nana used to say, "if they didn't care to come or call or send flowers when you were alive and sick, why would they care to come be seen grieving you'?  Plus, I don't understand burying people.  Never have.

The deep cough, and fatigue, that threatens to pull you down deep into its recesses, is unreal.  Even now, as I try to capture this moment on my blog that is more like an ongoing diary, I am battling through, I am wiped the fuck out.  I care that the group I started one day on my lunch hour because of a conversation I had with a man I love and trust and respect beyond words, 406 Back the Blue the movement in Montana that has grown exponentially, continues and that the law enforcement community continue to feel loved, respected, and cherished, and that my life was meant to be lived in service to them and their support staff and families.  I do what I can, when and where I can, it just never feels sufficient.  There's a memorial in Three Forks, Montana created for a man who died at 23 in service to his community, and a part of my soul will always be gazing up at that patrol car, with its lights ever shining.  Too many bricks with names beneath it of great men and women, heroes all.  I lived in awe of you all.

I can honestly say I am ready and am good to go, my parents raised me to believe this life is only the voyage, not the destination, and I am excited to see my parents and family again if its my time.  I have lived longer than my dad (31) and almost as long as my mom (51) so definitely somewhere in the middle.  I have lived so many lives, met so many incredible people, had so many amazing experiences, and yes made mistakes, but learned from each one, if I had to do it over again, there are things I'd do differently, but then I wouldn't be who I am today.

I loved without limits, I trusted completely, I gave without restrain, I laughed until it hurt, and since my divorce have blossomed into a woman I am proud to be, that my parents would be proud of.

I hope the people I've loved, know that I loved them beyond measure, and if possible, will make sure you know I am still around; even if you can't see me.  My mom and I promised each other we'd do that.

I did my best, and I was the best person I could be as often as I could, often getting in my own way.  I was never perfect, not even close, always striving to be a good human, to forgive and ask for forgiveness.  I tried to be in your life, to love you, to be who you needed me to be.  I hope I showed up for you when you needed me.

Getting too tired, thoughts tumbling around my mind like gym shoes in a dryer.  I'll leave you with this tune.

UPDATE 21 days past first symptoms presented and finally out of quarantine.  I survived, felt like it was touch and go there for a minute.  Wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  Stay healthy!